Help me find my sanctuary.

I've come to realise that facebook does not grant me the liberty to freely express all my inner thoughts. The reason why that is so is because a big part of my social network in real life is also hooked onto me in the virtual world. And there comes with it others' expectations of me.

It's tough.

It's tough when in the professional world I've made myself out to be someone of outstanding stature. People therefore expect me to always be great. Or it could be that subconsciously, I don't want people to think that I'm faltering too. Especially people I've influenced positively before. People who in their darkest hours have seen the light because of me. These people I don't want them to ever know that I'm depressed, lost, unhappy myself. For I don't want them to ever see that even someone who knows how important it is to see things positively can find it so difficult to find true happiness.

I've come to realise how important it is for me to have direction in life. I need to know where I'm going and what's going to happen. Right now, I don't have a direction and I don't know what's going to happen, even just, say, 6 months from now. My future is so uncertain and unpredictable, and that kills me.

Why is it just so hard to decide for myself what exactly I want in life?

What do I want?

Who am I?

I need a sanctuary where I can go to discover myself again. In this place, peace and everlasting true happiness shall be found. Not fleeting moments. Not misleading pathways that lead to betrayal. But everlasting peace and true happiness.

Who is my sanctuary?

Who is this person whom in her arms I shall fall asleep with a smile on my face?

When will she come to meet me?

and so it is...

right here right now i really wonder why i gave up so much for her.

it's love i guess...that's what it should be about isn't it? a lot of sacrifices, a lot of giving up what once was to build what should be...it's all worth it if it's reciprocative and it's mutual...but it hurts so badly when the trust is betrayed and the feelings don't last a lifetime...

too much was at stake.

in hindsight, i feel like i've lost so much. so much of my time could have been better spent than to care two hoots to even contemplate building a future with a girl like her.

why doesn't she just get it?

it just shouldn't have been this way...for 3 years i've thought of nothing else but her...and this is how it ends...

why did i even bother?

something tells me it's time to move on...to find myself again, and live my life for me.

Quiet confidence

I think there's an air of quiet confidence around me...I seem to have taken everything in my stride and pulled off something I thought had been quite hard for me to do...

Baby seems to have calmed down a bit...maybe she's finally beginning to realise how unreasonable she's been over the past few weeks...maybe this would turn out to be all's well that ends well after all...

I'm keeping my wits about me and staying calm about it. I think somehow my nonchalance is rubbing off on her and is starting to make her more receptive towards me...maybe she's starting to remember the me that she loves again...

*fingers crossed*

Can't care less now

I think my mental resilience with regard to the whole issue has toughened up somewhat. Especially after mum called today to ask why I had to sleep in brother's room last night. She was furious at me being chased out of my room. I tried to explain to her that it was not me being chased out, but that it was a common agreement for us to not sleep together for now. I told mum to understand why the situation is the way it is today, telling her that I'd sort of seen this coming as far back as many months ago.

My conversation with mum got me thinking real hard. Her perspective on the issue was strong enough to shake me out of any delusions I still had about baby. Notwithstanding the fact that mum's a divorcee herself, her tough stance on the expectations of her daughter-in-law, and the fact that my marriage was not worth it if these basic expectations were not met, struck me hard.

In a sense she only reinforced my willingness to summon up the courage to end my relationship with baby if it really has to come down to that. I know if one day things really end up that way, mum will be there for me, like how she was there when I broke up with Yu. In fact, the heartening thing to know is that my whole family will be behind me. I'm not sure if it's a good thing, but just like I mentioned last night, I'm starting to find that there's really nothing I will not be able to overcome.

Of course I don't wish things to turn out that way. Of course I still want us to have a happy wedding come September, and for baby to come to her senses and to realise how unreasonable she's been about her expectations of me over the past few weeks. My senses tell me now I'd probably forgive her for all the negative things that she's done if she really manages to wake up, and still put in my best effort to organise a great wedding which would not just be a show, but would have true meaning to our relationship.

But Mum told me today that I had to be very sure about baby, to understand that if she's capable of doing this to me now, there's nothing that will stop her from repeating her childish, self-centred acts in future. Mum said I had to be willing to take this happening to me for the rest of my life, to always play second fiddle and not say a word in protest of baby's unreasonable expectations of me.

Baby borrowed my book about Partners in Life. Last I saw it was lying forgotten in her locker in the salon. I'm not sure how much of it she's read, but in any case I'm really surprised, and disappointed, at the deep sense of (selfish) self-interest she's shown over the past few weeks. Over our long talks, I listened to her explain for instance how she felt it was an obligation for me to buy starbucks coffee for her every weekend, but that I couldn't even fulfil that simple task for her.

I'm not sure why I didn't explain to her, that I felt that although it was not wrong to expect something like this from a husband, it was wrong to blame him, and to want to take him to task for not doing it. I always felt that acts of love were only meaningful if it came from one's heart. In this sense, I always felt more happy buying her coffee whenever I felt like doing it, rather than when I was being asked to. The cup of coffee just has a lot more meaning when it's bought in self-willingness, and out of love, rather than when it's being forced upon you.

Over our long talks, baby seems to have laid out all the terms and conditions about our marriage in her favour. The general sense is that there's a lot I should be doing, but haven't done, for her. In any case, I feel I've always tried to do my best. Yes I admit I may have neglected her recently, and may have placed less importance on our wedding than I should have, but deep inside me, I've always only wanted the best for baby.

Baby seems to want me to change and overhaul myself for her, which to a large extent I think I've tried to do in many ways. But just how much can you change a person? It seems ironic that she's hinting at that while insisting on the fact that she'll always be her as she is, and there's nothing I can do to influence the kind of life she wants to lead. Last I remembered, marriage was about sacrificing and compromising for each other.

I have a strong urge to just tell baby, look at me now. This is me and this is what you're gonna get. There's much I'm willing to sacrifice and compromise and do for you, but you just can't change me to suit yourself completely, because while I can try to change as much of me to suit you, I'm never going to be a perfect fit for you. So decide for yourself once and for all if you're willing to live with this me for the rest of your life. If so, I promise I'll do my best to meet your expectations. If not, then stop wasting my time and let me move on.

My ironic sense of resilience tells me I'm going to survive this ordeal and end up an even stronger person than I already am now, no matter what comes out of it.

Baby

Maybe it's a nice thing that many don't remember this blog...so I can write whatever I want on it and not be afraid that my secrets would be let out...one would ask, then why even bother posting your thoughts on the internet for all to see...the strange thing about me blogging is it's able to provide me with this weird kind of consolation of sorts by putting me under a sense of illusion that i'm talking to somebody...that somebody actually hears my thoughts, and feels for me. It's here that I feel I'm able to say whatever I wanna say without any inhibitions at all. It's here where I feel safest right now...hiding in some strange corner of the virtual world we so intimately call the internet...strange as it may be...

If only I could really make myself vanish from the real world right now into some virtuality...I don't really wanna die you see...but I don't really wanna exist either...so I figure somewhere in virtuality would be nice. Anyway that's kinda how I feel right now. The things that have happened with baby the past few weeks have seemed so surreal...I'm still struggling to believe that it's all happening to me. Somehow bad things always happen when my loved ones leave me for abroad...somehow when they come back they always bring back with them bad news. Zhi, I remember, decided once and for all that I was not the one for her after her trip to the US, I think it was, with RX. Yu, decided to get hitched with a French man during her stay in France. Now baby thinks I'm not the one for her after all, after her trip back home to Ipoh.

I'd had very bad moments in my life before, especially towards the end of my relationship with Yu, when I really felt like the world was not worth living for. I emerged from that relationship a very very much stronger person than I was, and since then, never really looked back into that phase in my life. My encounter with Yu made me realise nothing could not be overcome. Not even finding out that the one you love has slept with another man. Not that baby has. I'm sure baby has not, although I'm not very pleased with this particular guy friend of hers who's been working on her mind against me, or so I think. I haven't asked her much about him, partly because I don't know how to bring it up, given the way things are now between me and her, and also partly because I think there's no point, since she's only going to become even more defensive about herself and how she sees us right now if I bring him into the picture.

I'm not sure what exactly is his motive. I won't be surprised if he's thinking of bedding her, and so he's trying to spoil baby's wedding plans in order to achieve that goal. One of the reasons why I married baby was because I trusted her to be a very sensible woman who would always think through issues rationally before acting. I always thought she would be able to differentiate the bad from the good, and know who's sincere and for real, and who's pulling a fast one on her.

It just seems like this time she's getting it all wrong. In a situation like this, it does take a lot for one to see all sides of picture before making the most logical and informed decision to take the correct actions. Particular so since the whole saga started by baby feeling that she was out of place in my world. In that sense, she's already put herself in her own box, thinking only for herself without a care for the impact she's causing on other's lives. Whatever the guy's intentions are, she's only willing to selectively listen to things that reinforce her own beliefs anyway, so comments that play to my advantage kinda wouldn't really help for all that matters.

Just what will it take to swing her back to reality? She's living in her own little princess world now without a care for what's happening outside. Is there really a place for self-centredness in this world? How do people who only think of themselves and their own interests survive and do well? Last I remembered, marriage was about two people committing their lives to taking care of and supporting each other and their feelings til the day they die. If she had felt that I'd taken her for granted, why wouldn't she say so earlier, but erupt like a volcano without warning, and subsequently shut out any attempts to calm her down? Just what would it take for her to see who's sincere about taking care of her for the rest of her life? How could she, for all that's been done for her, only think about what's not been done? Why does she only want to see the dirty side of the picture?

When baby kept hinting, about a year ago, that I should marry her, I had a hard time convincing myself that it was indeed the right time, and that she was indeed the girl I would want to spend the rest of my life with. It took me a lot, to finally convince myself to commit to it. I finally told myself that she was the one worth dedicating my life to.

Now it all seems to me that after the thrill of getting engaged and married, and for that matter, after the thrill of getting her PR, that she doesn't want to play this game anymore. It seems to me she doesn't realise though that this is not just a game you pick up and let go just as you wish. Maybe baby didn't realise she was toying with a man's lifetime commitment to her.

I was recalling to baby how, over the past 8 years or so, how I'd dealt with my broken family, funded myself through university, overcome the fact that Yu cheated on me, and worked hard to secure what I have in my career. What else could I not overcome? Throw what you have at me and see how I can overcome it. Try me.

Where's this gonna end up? I seriously do not know. If at the end baby thinks I'm not worth it, and she's had enough of me, so be it. I'm beginning to think if self-centredness should be met with generosity and forgiveness. If she only cares about herself, then why marry me in the first place? Like she said, there's a limit to how much one can take. She thinking about herself, and me thinking just for her, will simply not work in a long-term relationship. When will she start to do things for me, and not ask for anything in return?

Will she ever?

The man at the foot of the mountain

There was once a man who loved running. He would run all day, pretty much enjoying himself doing so. One day when he was running, he met a woman who was running too. They struck up a conversation and soon discovered that both of them loved running. And so they ran together. Day after day, from sunrise to sunset, they would run, covering great distances together.

One day, the woman had a great idea. She realised that they’d always been running on flat ground, and felt that it was time to take it to the next level. She had become bored with running on flat ground all the time, and convinced herself that this was the right time to make things a little more exciting. Believing that she was ready for it, she asked the man to climb a mountain with her.

The man was not receptive to the idea at first, wondering if it was indeed time for such a change. But seeing the woman’s resolve and determination, he convinced himself that they would be able to do meet the challenge, and agreed. The man and the woman signed a binding agreement, that they would climb this mountain and get to the other end no matter what happens along the way, and that they would help each other along the way so the both of them would walk the journey hand-in-hand.

Filled with ecstasy, the woman announced to all her friends and relatives that she was going to climb a mountain with the man. Her friends and relatives were thrilled, and couldn’t wait to see them accomplish the task.

The man and the woman prepared hard for the challenge. They trained together, and bought climbing equipment for themselves too.

The day finally came for them to climb the mountain. The woman’s friends and relatives eagerly gathered at the other side of the mountain, waiting to see the man and the woman successfully make it up and down to meet them there.

But the strangest thing happened. When they arrived at the foot of the mountain, the woman suddenly began wondering if she would be able to accomplish the task. She started to worry, about how high the mountain would be, whether the slopes would be steep, if the road up would be slippery, and if she would slip and fall along the way. She started to think that maybe this was not such a good idea after all, and began to walk away.

The man was shocked at the woman’s sudden u-turn of emotions. He had thought that this was the time when they both should be most excited about taking the challenge, and be looking forward to it. He was confident that they could make it, and he could not understand why the woman was reacting in the way she did.

Taken aback, he confronted her and asked her why she was backing out of the challenge. Faced by the pressure of the man’s expectations, and those of her friends and relatives, she began to retreat even more into herself. She asked to be left alone, and to return to her happy old days running on flat ground.

The man said, “Ok. Take your time. Catch your breath. I’ll be waiting at the foot of the mountain for you. When you’re ready, come and look for me, I don’t know what lies ahead. The mountain may be high, and the slopes may be steep, and along the way, we may slip and fall, but as long as you’re with me, we’ll conquer this mountain hand-in-hand.”

Ending 1:

The woman thought long and hard for days. She asked herself if she would indeed be able to accomplish the task. She knew the man was waiting for her at the foot of the mountain, and that her friends and relatives couldn’t wait to meet them at the other side. She knew she had an agreement with the man, and she knew that it was unfair of her to do this to him.

Finally, she made up her mind. She told herself that she needed to face up to the challenge, and not run away and hide from the problem. She understood that she had signed a binding agreement with the man, and it was unrighteous of her to back out now.

So, the woman went back to meet the man at the foot of the mountain. He was overjoyed to see her. Grabbing her hand, he started climbing, and pulled her along the way. They climbed the steep slopes, overcame the slippery roads, and wiped each other’s injuries along the way. The challenge was not easy, but because they had faith in each other, and supported each other along the way, they finally made it to the top, and waved down and smiled at the friends and relatives who knew that they had indeed accomplished a wonderful chapter of their lives.

Ending 2:

The woman thought long and hard for days. She asked herself if she would indeed be able to accomplish the task. She knew the man was waiting for her at the foot of the mountain, and that her friends and relatives couldn’t wait to meet them at the other side. She knew she had an agreement with the man, and she knew that it was unfair of her to do this to him.

But alas, the woman could not overcome her fears. She decided never to go back to look for the man waiting for her at the foot of the mountain. She didn’t want to face up to him and to her friends and relatives. She gave up on her own challenge, gave up on herself. She returned to running on flat ground, but she never found joy doing so, always wondering if she would ever have made it with the man.

The man, after waiting in silence for a hundred years, decided to find out how difficult it was to climb the mountain, and he began on the journey up the mountain himself. In doing so, he discovered that the slopes were not as steep as he expected, and that the roads were not as slippery, and that the peak of the mountain was not that high anyway. He discovered that this mountain was not that difficult to climb after all, and if only the woman had thought this way. Nevertheless, he continued on his journey up. When he reached the peak, he broke down and cried. There was no satisfaction, no joy. The challenge had been to climb the mountain together with the woman, and there had been promising hope of happiness, if only the woman had not broken the binding agreement. The man was filled, with grief, and a helpless sense of emptiness.

CT230R

Fastest road car in Japan...

Singaporean, after all...

12 more days to National Day. Plans for a Bali holiday being scraped, it means I'll be home on the 9th of August to watch NDP 2006, where Singapore would celebrate her 41st year of Independence.

As much as some might be scornful of others for being overly patriotic or passionate about one's country, I wouldn't hesitate to admit that I believe the 9th of August should be an occasion that is totally worth celebrating. Perhaps it may appear more obvious to me how much progress the nation has made in a short 41 years of self-government because of my having been overseas for the past 4 years. I feel often one needs to go outside to be able to appreciate better what is on the inside. Having resided in the UK and in France for a substantial period of time, and having travelled to America and to other countries in Europe, I believe I have been exposed to a variety of cultures - different people, different schools of thought, different ideas, different ways of doing things - which many who haven't had the chance to do travel abroad would not. I feel sometimes Singaporeans become too caught up in seeing the negative side of things, like GST increases, taxi fare hikes, that they forget how far Singapore has come and how well we have done as a nation. It is easy to take for granted the elaborate public transport network that has been painstakingly constructed over the years, the constantly well-maintained expressways throughout the country that link residential housing estates to the city area and the central business district, the up-and-coming plans to build an integrated resort to fulfil our economic and social goals as well as to give ourselves a bigger name on the world map, the health and social security provided by the carefully planned and managed CPF, the political and economic stability that are not present purely by chance, but due to the hard work that we ourselves have put in over the years.

Today, Singaporeans can go about their daily lives and feel safe to walk about on the streets albeit intensifying global security threats because we know our F16 Fighting Falcons can be activated at the touch of a button to intercept any intrusions into our airspace, and our naval frigates can be called upon 24/7 to counter any sea-borne threats. But it is not just about defending our sovereignty. The Ministry of Defence spends 1 in 3 of the nation's budget for good reason. Many fail to see the link between military might and the economic growth of a nation, because it is not immediately obvious that a country with a sound defence is insurance and security for foreign companies looking to invest locally and for foreign traders to conduct business with. With a strong Armed Forces, Singapore continues to attract foreign investors and ensure that our GDP continues to grow, so it is all inter-related. It should be bore in mind, as the dynamics of global politics change under the influence of the big players on the world stage, that Singapore must be agile, nimble, focused and determined to adapt accordingly in order to keep up and protect not only our existence as a nation, but our prosperity as one.

But besides the macro-picture, don't forget the little things that give us our identity as a nation. One will not necessarily understand the meaning of "heartlander", "kopitiam", "teh-c-peng", "cheese prata" and what not unless one is Singaporean or like Neil Humphreys has spent a large amount of time immersing himself in our culture and exposing himself to the Singapore way of life, and loving most of it. I have foreign friends who have come to Singapore to work and find it hard to even think of going back to their homeland because they have adapted so much to the quality and our way of life. Of course it is always good and important to be critical in constructive ways but I think Singaporeans also need to remember and appraise how much we have accomplished as a nation, and on National Day this year, salute the Singapore State Flag as it flys past Kallang Stadium with pride, because it represents, among other things, the sweat of our forefathers, the spirit of our people, the peace and security of our homeland, and above all, the sovereignty of our nation.

Happy Birthday, Singapore.